Empathy and Children

I re-wrote this a few times. I blog so infrequently because I end up rewriting the same post 100 times. Also I am lazy. Also all of my posts sounds like angry rants. I can't help it. I am an angry ranter, so whatever I should just accept it right? So here is my angry rant...

It seems lately every time I turn around people are mourning the death of empathy (it's said we are less empathetic as a society, but that is debated). The argument goes something likes this...since the internet allows us anonymity, we have the freedom to be as big of an asshole as we would like and not have any of the social consequences that type of behavior usually receives. So since we are just arguing and being an asshole to a screen name we disassociate that there is a person on the other side of that and don't think of others at all and this pours into our real life and now suddenly no one really cares about anyone else and we are all deluded narcissists (even though altruism is actually on the rise, but there may be other reasons for that).

The problem is people are quick to demand empathy for themselves, but they don't want to give it to others. Or they go way overboard and then you can't say or do anything for fear of possibly offending everyone! It can spiral quickly and get seriously ridiculous. This is where the children part of the title ties if....

Recently the new "empathy is dead" story line is children not getting invited to things. What is happening is children are having birthday parties or activities and someone gets excluded, for whatever reason. Then the excluded child sees the party/activity on social media and is heartbroken and then their parent(s) get involved and the party throwing girl and her parents are horrible people because they have no empathy.
This is so ridiculous!

1. Children are going to get disappointed. I am sorry, it is a part of life, we can't and shouldn't shelter the young from all disappointment. That will make life very stressful later! Not saying we should go out of our way to disappoint our children, but when it happens fueling the fire and getting riled up does not help them at all. Maybe use this opportunity to teach your little darling some empathy of their own.
2. Empathy doesn't just work for others. You need to have it to. Maybe the parent could only afford x tickets or x number of people at the party. Maybe the kids are fighting this week. Maybe the other child knew they were doing something your child would hate and they thought they were being thoughtful. Maybe that other child is a dickhole who enjoys excluding people as a power play in the very important social hierarchy of middle/high school. There are 1000 reasons your child wasn't invited and in the end the reasons don't really matter and IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS. I know protecting our kids is our first instinct, but I can't begin to tell you, from first hand experience, how very important it is for kids to figure out social dynamics on their own. 
3. Kids have been being excluded from parties long before social media. When my oldest was little they started the STUPID rule that if you brought invitations to class you had to bring one for the whole class to try to make sure everyone is included. I hated this rule, who wants to invite 30 dang kids?!? Your child does not have to be friends with everyone, courteous and respectful yes, but they don't have to be friends and hang out just because they are in the same classroom, or on the same team, or whatever. Some kids just don't get along and that is okay! The lesson is learning to work together in a classroom (ie workplace) with people you would not socialize with. 
4. Being excluded is a great lesson in empathy! Feeling the other side of a situation makes you sensitive to it. When something bad happens to you or you get disappointed you understand better how others will feel in that same situation. This is the same principal that causes poor people to be more compassionate. You've been there, you get it. 

If your kids get upset because they were not included in something, comfort them, let them vent, talk it out with them (and use logic and not "fuck that bitch", you are their parent not their best friend, they need your wisdom not your solidarity). For the love of the invisible pink unicorn do not get involved! Let your child handle it. Don't rant to the other child's parents and certainly do not talk to the other child about it. None of this involves you. If it feels like it does you need to take a step back and realize you and your child are 2 different people and their experiences are not yours. 

I get the irony here that I am being un-empathetic about the lack of empathy, but I never claimed to be empathetic. I am a big fan of empathy, but in small doses, not a blanket version. I am usually pretty good at seeing both sides of a situation, but chances are my care C has ran away from both of them. :D