So we open in 1995. Sorority girl comes down the stairs with
bloody hands. She finds her friends and tells them something bad happens. They
go upstairs to the bathroom where they see another girl has given birth. They
gripe at her for having a baby and they leave her to go and dance to TLC's
waterfalls. Bloody hands stays with her. When they return they see that she has
died and bloody hands has the baby. This is suspicious to me. Sure she may have died from child birth, but she may have died from crazy friend too.
Present day- we meet the new Sorority girls. There is Chanel 1 (Emma Roberts) the
president and HBIC. She has 4 minions, Chanel 2 (Ariana Grande), Chanel 3 (Billie Catherine Lourd) and Chanel 5 (Abigail Breslin). There
was a Chanel 4 but she went home sick, and died of meningitis. The Dean (Jamie Lee Curtis) summons
Chanel 1 to her office and says she doesn't like her, and there's a
flash back to where Chanel was a minion to the previous president. The then
President didn't like her and uninvited her to a vacation and sent her out the
room. Another minion spray tans the president and her skin melts off. The
other minions leave her and the red devil is there. Someone had switched the spray
tan for hydrochloric acid. Back to the present and the dean says she's shutting down their
charter. A lawyer, Gigi mysteriously shows up and says that she can't
shut down the charter and sends Chanel out the room. She was wearing 90's clothes, including a very ugly jean skirt. She seemed very eager to get Chanel 1 out of the room. Gigi then says she has a
suggestion for the dean.
Grace (Skyler Samuels) is just arriving at school with her dad and he begs her not
to pledge a sorority. She had a pin and it was her mom’s pledge pin and sad
moment. They hug and he leaves. She meets roommate Zayday (Keke Palmer) and she's cool. They have
coffee, bond about being motherless, and talk about pledging the sorority.
Grace sees the red devil.
Dean and Gigi are at the sorority for a rush mixer. The dean
announces that the sorority has to accept every pledge that applies. This
causes all the cool girls to leave; with only the imperfects left. They are Neckbrace (Lea Michele),
Deaf Taylor Swift, Predatory Lez, and a Candle Blogger. (Grace and her roommate
are also pledging)
Boys playing golf. They are Chad and Boon (Nick Jonas). Chad is Chanel 1
boyfriend. He dumps her because she's not popular anymore. "I can't date a
garbage person" I couldn't help thinking they were perfect for each other with how terrible they are.
Chanel recruits the maid, who she calls white mammy, in a plot to
scare off the pledge rejects. She recruits her with horror stories of spices,
poop, and backsplash. She makes a spectacle of herself ordering coffee. Grace
then makes a joke with the poor barista dude (Diego Boneta). They chat and she tells him she's
pledging. He begs her not to, and up walks Chanel. Apparently he used to stalk
her.
Chanel and white mammy have arranged a fake fight where Chanel
puts mammy’s face in the fryer- which is supposed to be off. The fight happens
and the grease isn't off and her face gets burned off and she dies. Before she dies she rips off her melting face, like for longer than necessary, it was gross and it seemed like it was meant to scare the girls. I actually thought it was the plan still. Grace wants
to go to the police, but Chanel tells her no. Chanel tells her if she goes to
the police they will say that Grace killed her. All the pledges agree with Chanel,
once their bribed. All except for Zayday, she calls the other girls ratchet.
Grace- "you're an awful person"
Chanel-"maybe, but I'm rich and I'm pretty so it doesn't
really matter. "
Soooo they hide the body in the deep freezer- while barista dude
watched everything from the bushes.
Jamie Lee Curtis smoking a dube total win. She's in bed with some dude Chad? Is that Chad? Yes it is and he is in love with the dean, apparently. She says, of course he is because it makes the situation more pathetic, ha! And talking about the glory days
of feminism. She turns to the dude, who is a student being blackmailed for sex;
he's on academic probation, and tells him that he is awful in bed. Hahahah
Grace is having coffee with the barista dude. He mentions that he
knows they hid a body. She says she wants to help him with an expose on the Kappas.
She said she'll be his eyes on the inside. They decide to go and examine the
body. They see Chanel and Chad doing the same so they hide. Chanel and Chad
open the freezer and no body!
The Chanel’s are doing a lame blood oath thing and #2 can't handle
it. She says she is leaving. While packing she gets a text from an unknown
number that asks if she is afraid to open the door. It's the Red Devil. She
stands looking at him and he texts her if she's afraid to dance wit he the
devil and she texts back maybe. He dips her. He texts her again. I'm going to
kill you know. She responds- wait whaaaatt? And he stabs her. She kicks him off
and texts him to stop. This
was so funny! I agree! She crawls to
her laptop and starts to update her Facebook status to Red Devil Killing me
please help. The red devil is coming up behind her and stamps her in the back.
She falls. She comes too long enough to hit enter and update her status. Which no one ever mentions!! Whyyyy is this not mentioned? Wouldn't the girls notice her next to her laptop or get the status update on their phone? This was such a hilarious scene, but the lack of anyone noticing so bothered me. I guess it's more of the social commentary regarding the perceived narcissism of that generation that no one even notices a status update about being murdered?
Chanel goes into her room and she hears a scream. They run into #2
room and see that she is dead. They then realize the pledges have arrived for
hazing. They go downstairs to meet them. Grace stands up to Chanel and they go
have coffee to settle their differences, yeah it doesn't work. Grace leaves.
Meanwhile Chanel #5 is at the house and in charge. She buries the pledges to
their necks in the yard and leaves them. Oh here comes the Red Devil on a
riding lawnmower and there goes the top of Deaf Taylor Swifts head.
Hilarious! I feel this was paying homage to Heathers! I closed my eyes for this. I just couldn't. Why did the killer not use this chance to go ahead and run them all over? Why just the 1?
Dean Munch tells all the girls they are suspects and orders them
not to leave campus. They will fail college if they leave. They are getting security to keep them safe.
The Chanel’s are still trying to decide what to do with #2. Neckbrace
shows up and offers some pretty hilarious creepy suggestions. They decide to wrap 2 in
the duvet and to put her in the freezer. Because that went so well the last time. I half think they hope the body goes missing so they don't have to deal with it.
Gigi is introducing the girls to the new security guard, Denise. Who has three rules if in danger, 1. Scream Denise Hemphill real loud, unless she isn't there then 2. Call an 866 number or 3. Run! Yeah this isn't going to end well.
Pledges end up scrubbing the floor
and Grace goes to get soap in the creepy basement. Oh there's the red devil in
the window. Grace is trying to get soap and to reach she tries to climb the
bookcase. It of course falls and reveals a hidden padlocked door. She tried to
open it and #5 comes up behind her. She tells her only the president has the
key and tells Grace to go back upstairs.
She tells barista dude about hidden room and they decide to find
out more. He's going to break into the Deans office and she's going to break
into the hidden room. They kiss.
Grace's dad is in Dean Munches office. She's trying very hard to
seduce him. She convinces him that Grace is safe. He asks for a teaching
position because he is a professor. The Dean pointedly tells him his daughter is not a target and gives her assurance of that. Was this the bullshit assurances of a dean in denial trying to save her ass or the assurances of a killer who knows she isn't targeting his daughter? hmmm
Grace breaks into the hidden room. It is a lot of furniture, junk,
costumes, creepy dolls and a bloody bathtub. In a box is a bloody formal dress.
Chanel 1 comes up behind Grace and there's a flashback to the the bathtub
birth. Apparently white mammy and Dean Munch covered everything up. Present
time and Grace wonders what happened to the baby.
Chanel and Chad are doing it and it sounds terrible. He's
apparently not doing it for her and she dumps him. "Nobody breaks up with
Chad Radwell" Chad storms off and goes to pout in his own dorm room. Boon
is there in his own bed. They talk and Chad goes to bed. Boon asks if he can
sleep with him because he is scared. Boon is gay, and Chad lets him sleep in
the bed with him as long as he promises not to grab his wiener. Meanwhile, here
come Chanel to apologize for breaking up with Chad. She opens the room and
she's him and Boon spooning. Chad follows her out and begs her not to out his
friend. He tricks her into apologizing- and then breaks up with her because she
is a homophobic, spoiled little girl. Chad
just became my hero. Yeah, I liked that he was cool to his bro like that, but he is just as terrible as Chanel 1.
Barista dude is breaking into the dean’s office. He's looking
through some old files and sees some names from 1995. He finds a list of 5 names - Greenwell, Doyle, Meyer, Cohen, Stevens. Assumingly the 5 girls from the bathroom. Red Devil comes up behind
him and hits him in the head to knock him out. Why not kill him? If he only kills soriety girls then why is he in the Deans office to knock out Pete? He comes too outside with a note
on his shirt that says MYOB. (Mind your own business) flash to him and
Grace talking about the names he found. She opens his closet and there is a red
devil costume! He's the mascot. If this is the mascot costume there could conceivably be more than one, especially over the course of the years. My question is who was the mascot in 1995. She asks how old he is and she realizes he's the right age to be
bathtub baby! She runs off. While mentioning that she is 18 so she can't be the baby. After she leaves he smiles in a suspicious manner.
All remaining Chanel’s are in the coffee house. Boon goes up and
asks if he can come out and then pledge Kappa. #1 thinks it's a great idea, but
#5 is totally against and threatens to kill him.
Security guard, Denise, is in her car on watch. There is a bang on
her window and it is another security guard, she's supposed to be at Best Buy,
but brought her burgers. They hang out. Inside the house, the girls
look at the window at the guards and they see another car out there. Grace says
it's her dad and Gigi goes to talk to him. They bond over 90's power ballads
and they go get coffee. As they leave Dean looks at them ominously from the
shadows. She looks super pissed! I wonder if those assurances are still good?
Meanwhile the girls are being hazed- the security guards are sleeping
in the car outside. They hear a scream and Denise runs to the house. #1 says
that the red devil tried to push her out the window. The girls want to go
upstairs to investigate, and Denise tells them they need to get out of there.
The girls go upstairs and Denise goes outside, back to her car. The girls’
upstairs see that "sluts must die" is written on the wall. Denise is
heading back to her car where her friend is still sleeping. Oh there's the red
devil in the back seat and he stabs the friend. Denise opens the car door and
sees her friend is dead. She drives off and dumps the body out of the car.
Boon is working out. Here's the red devil. A bunch of pretty
queenly boys come to get him so they can "pick up sluts" yeah ok. They hear a scream and run to
another room. There's Boon on the table with his neck slit. He is surrounded by
lit candles. All the guys scream like the girls just screamed!
The Kappa’s are all at the dinner table. It's the last meal and
hell week will be over. Denise and Chad burst in. Denise tells them about
her friend and Chad tells them Boon is dead.
The mortuary. Red Devil comes to a crypt and opens the door. He
pulls out Boons body. Boon opens his eyes, and asks “What took you so long?"
He pulls the fake throat cut off of his neck. Yay! He isn't dead so maybe there will be more bro spooning and work-out scenes. Or not, whatever, not like I care. ;)
Burning questions-
Who is the baby? Hopefully no one. Scream (MTV) just did the funny horror show with a who is the baby story line. It all seems very similar.
Who is the red devil? No ideas yet
What the hell Boon? In on it. Perhaps it's what Gigi wanted to discuss with the Dean and it's just an elaborate plot to shut down the sorority and he was on academic probation and being blackmailed? Just a theory.
Is Chad boinging The Dean? Yes and in love with her.
Why is Gigi stuck in the 90's? Her therapist suggested it was because of a tragic event that happened during the 90's that stuck her there. Like say your friend having a baby in a bath tub. OR murdering said friend who just had a baby in a bath tub! ::gasp:: Again just a theory lol.
Alleged Death count- 4
Deaf Taylor Swift
White Mammy
Chanel 2
Denise's Guard Friend.
Favorite Jamie Lee Curtis Moment-
When she called the "I was where" posts narcissistic Yes!
Current Devil suspect- Dean Munch
Jamie's suspect - Gigi; I think she is crazy friend from '95.
Favorite Quotes:
"No one forced that goat to get as drunk as he did. That's on him."
"How did you get HPV? When were you in Mexico?"
"Shandell, why you got a knife through your throat?!?"
"Everbody wants to get with this. Women, men, animals at the zoo, plants probably."
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