Ahhhhh, American Horror Story. I have a love/hate relationship
with you. Sometimes, the stories are brilliant and scary. Sometimes they're kind
of hard on the brain - I'm
looking at you, Asylum I loved aspects of Asylum! The aliens I could have done without...
Sometimes, they're kind of slow. Slow isn't a problem if it's done well, problem with the whole AHS franchise is they never get pacing quite right for the story they are telling.
Last night began the start of Hotel, the latest installment in the
anthology series. This centers on the Hotel Cortez, located in California and
the inhabitants/patrons of the hotel. Which is loosely based on the Hotel Cecil where that girl went missing and was later found dead on the roof.
We open the season with two beautiful Scandinavian tourists.
They are exiting a cab and are excited to see Universal Studios. They ask the
cab driver how far it is, and he tells them 10 miles. Oh that can't be right-
the website said that it was close to all attractions. I laughed at this, because all hotels in and around LA will say close to attractions. Their fault for not checking google maps. They walk in to the
hotel and it's silent. and empty! They ring the bell - twice, and the attendant, Iris
(Kathy Bates!) appears. The girls ask her for a refund, and she tells them no
refunds; they end up deciding to stay. She brings them to their room and tells
them that there is no Wi-Fi and the whole hotel is a dead zone for cell
service. She tells them the location of the ice machine and leaves. Girl 1 goes
to get ice. She passed by a weirdo maid cleaning a blanket, looks like blood. "Terrible accident in room 51, just ghastly!" She travels down the hall and sees a little creepy blonde kid at
the end. He points at her and she turns around. Another creepy kid who runs
off. She goes to the ice machine and scoops up the ice. A scary sequined silver
glove hand reaches for the back of her head- she turns around and it's gone.
When she returns back to the room the other girl has lit candles. Who the hell brings candles on
vacation? Girl 2 mentions the
room stinks like something dead. Girl 1 calls the front desk and asks
for another room. Sold out. The look at the bed and see that it is lumpy. They
pull the covers off and lo, there is a big seam right up the middle. I would be gone at this point. I would assume this was a bed bug problem (they smell if infestation is bad enough) and be out of there. Girl 1 gets
a knife from a drawer???? Why is there a knife drawer? And
cuts it open - some weird naked bald humanoid pops out of the mattress like the
most unpleasant Nope-In-the-box ever.
Now we begin the traditional creepy AHS opening credits. This
time it flashes the 10 commandments between the names of the actors.
Interesting.
Iris is walking the girls to another room, saying that she didn't
know what happened. Why would you stay?!? Seriously money isn't all that, use your Universal Studios money for another hotel!
Girl 1 asks, “How can there be another room when you are
sold out?”
"Oh they never rent room 64." Of
course not.
Girl 1 falls asleep
and is awakened by the alarm going off at 2:25 (am?). She looks for her friend, and
finds her sprawled out on the bathroom floor while the two children of the
damned lick her blood.
A crime scene. A couple is on the bed in flagrante delicto. The woman is on top and she's skewered to the
bed, obviously dead. The man has had his eyes and tongue ripped out and his hands are nailed to the headboard. A detective walks in and reads the crime
scene. (Wes Bentley!) The couple were married, but not to each other. Oh, and the
man is super glued inside the woman. Well,
that certainly is a sticky situation!
Back
at the office his daughter FaceTime’s and he reads Little Women to her. Another
officer walks in and says that someone is on the line for him. He refused to
take the call because reading to his daughter. As he is leaving for the day he
gets a cell phone call. The distorted voice on the line says that he is going
to repeat the crime in room 64 at the Hotel Cortez right now.
At Hotel Cortez - enter another patron. This one is the stereotypical
douche. More like stereotypical junkie! (Max Greenfield!) He needs a room right then. Iris gives him room
64. As he leaves, Sally (Sarah Paulson!) says to Iris, he's mine. He goes into
the room and begins to shoot up. He hallucinates or does he? This strange
creature is it the one from
the mattress? I didn't think so, but maybe, the mattress person had a face, this was more a latex white suit. Apparently it has a name "The Addiction Demon." Pulls down his
pants and begins to rape him with a big silver drill dildo. He's crying while
the creature drills ha! him. Sally walks in and watches. Douche looks up at her and she tells him if he
struggles the creature enjoys it more. She instructs him to tell her he loves
her. He says "I love you, Sally". She tells him if he says it again
she will make it all go away. He says "I love you, Sally" and the
creature disappears. He takes a breath and dies? Pupils dilating. He doesn't die, he is just super high. It was not as terrible as the sword strap-on in Seven. It was however a fairly effective 'don't do drugs' add. Heroin - like being anally raped by a drill penis!
Detective John Lowe makes it to the Hotel Cortez. He speaks
to Iris; asks to see room 64. Liz Taylor (Dennis O'Hare!) questions Iris- 64?
But she instructs him to show the detective the way. He enters room 64 and
there is nothing in there. He lays on the bed. As he closes his eyes and sighs
the view pans downwards towards underneath the bed. Oh and it's the douche. His
eyes opens and he gasps for air.
2:25 Det. John wakes up. Creepy kid is standing over him. Holden?
He says? And he follows creepy kid down the hall - but finds it empty.
A record player. A couple getting ready to go out. It's Elizabeth
(Lady Gaga!) and Donovan (Matt Bomer!) they go to the park cemetery!! to watch Nosforatu.
They look over at the couple next to them and with some not so subtle gestures invite
them back to the hotel for a little Ménage
A Quarte. As they walk into the hotel it is evident that Donovan and
Elizabeth are eerily in sync. They do a hand rubbing thing straight out of
Rocky Horror while walking around the ottoman. If you are reading this and have
never seen the Rocky Horror Picture show stop reading and go watch immediately.
This is a moral imperative.
So an orgy commences. All through you can tell how in sync Donovan
and Elizabeth are. They both have on these gloves on one hand with a sharp ring
on the end. Donovan's is black and Elizabeth's silver. They both reach up and
slice their prey’s neck at the same time and begin to feed. Carpe jugularis! Afterwards, Elizabeth remarks that she
knew Donovan didn't want to go out. He states "it's not the getting ready,
it's the clean-up."
Elizabeth - "call housekeeping."
Meanwhile Det. John makes it home. His wife (Chloe Sevigny!) is a
pediatrician who has to tend to a broken leg and a case of twins with possible
whopping cough. I do
find it hilarious that there is a remark about vaccinations in this scene. John tells his wife, Alex, that he loves
her. She leaves - without a word. Hmmmm trouble in paradise? The daughter, Scarlett, and he decide to go get some
sushi.
At the HC Iris is making the most disgusting protein shake in the
world (seriously, oysters, chicken livers, kidneys I just vomited a little) for the two
tourists. There they
are! In some strange cages in the basement. Of course! Sally shows up argues with Iris. Iris
tells her the last 20 years of her being in the hotel begin and end with her.
Iris cannot leave so she stayed. She tells Sally she can cleanse the girls and
if she doesn't she can explain to her why they taste like shit. Then she says she's got to go feed that thing in room 33. Iris leaves. Sally opens up one
of the cages and tells Girl 1 to "move her with her tears". First she tells her the room they are in used to be used for puppet shows. I wonder if that will be a flashback. She
cries - Sally screams, "Run!" The girl runs out, through the hotel. Iris,
now at the front desk, sees her and goes after her. Suddenly the girl stops.
Elizabeth is standing at the door wearing a white Hollywood golden age gown and
a white turban. She pulls her arm back and slashes girl 1 neck with her sparkly
glove. "This can never happen again," says Elizabeth to Iris.
At the sushi place John and scarlet are enjoying the meal. Scarlet
says that she dreamed about him, but she can't see his face anymore. John
receives a text and it is from Alex. It is an address with Help Me underneath.
They go, he leaves Scarlet in the car and tells another officer to watch her. John goes in the building. It's a warehouse? Office
space? While he's in there the phone rings. It's the mystery voice! He says
"I told you I would do it again?"
Meanwhile, Scarlet's guard
hears a noise and goes to investigate. Of course she Scooby doos that shit and
goes into the building. Parents,
do us all a favor and make your kids watch classic horror movies. You never get
out of the car and go investigate!!! Of course she finds 2 gross disemboweled bodies hanging. She
screams and her dad come running.
Santa Monica 2010. John, Alex, Scarlet and a boy are at the
pier/faire. Santa Monica Pier Alex and Scarlet are at a midway game and John is going to take
Holden to the carousel. Holden is buckled on the horse. John gets a text we don't see the text, but he has a wry sort of smile. Hmm. and he
turns his back to check his phone. When he turns back around, Holden is gone,
horse is empty, buckle dangling.
Back at the house, and present time Alex and John are talking about him leaving for
a while till the creepy perp is caught. Alex tells him she wants him to leave. She says she doesn't blame him for
Holden's disappearance, but she cannot stand to look at John because he reminds
her so much of her missing son.
Hotel Cortez, a man, woman, and tween walk in. The woman is a
realtor (The Murder House Relator!!! Do you have to take a special class to be Satan’s property
advisor?) The hotel has been sold and William Drake (Cheyenne Jackson!) is the
new owner. He is a fashion designer looking for inspiration away from New York.
Iris and Liz Taylor are upset - they are afraid they will be thrown out on the
street. During this introduction time Drake's kid, Lachlan, goes exploring down
the hall. Creepy rapist mattress creature presses itself up on a glass wall,
scaring Lachlan. Drake and co go upstairs to the penthouse. He plans to live
there. Satan's realtor opens the curtains and the light shines on Donovan's
naked body on the couch. He's all, what are you doing in my room? He goes to
Elizabeth. Drake and co follow. She knows him, and they flirt. She tells
Donovan to show Drake and co around. She then takes Lachlan by the hand. They
go down a hall and she knocks on the wall. A secret door! Hidden room! Inside
is the children of the damned. They are all playing video games and there are
jars of candy. Holden is in there! Oh look, it's more addiction themed stuff.
Flash back to 1994. Sally and Donovan are together. They go into
the hotel to shoot up. Sally offers Donovan her needle, he asks for a clean
one. "Honey, I'm the cleanest person you know". He uses her needle.
Iris is following in her car watching them and she saw them go into the
hotel. She follows them in. She tries to bribe Liz Taylor into telling
her which room they went in. "Please, that's my son and she's giving him
drugs!" Iris goes in the room and sees Donovan passed out. "What did
you give him?" "White China, I told him not to keep up with me."
Sally leaves. Sally is at an open window looking at the curtain. She is
pushed out and falls to the ground stories below. Iris has pushed her. Iris
goes back to the room and sees Elizabeth on the bed holding Donovan's head in
her lap. She says, "Your boy has a jawline for days..."
Det. John packs his bags, kisses his daughter, and leaves his
house. He checks into the Hotel- room 64. In the background is hotel
California. "You can never leave...."
Burning questions:
So, is this like murder house, where you die you stay there? Yes, according to the Ryan Murphy interview this is a constant rule in all AHS
According to the net- it says that Elizabeth is suffering from an
ancient blood virus. So another take on vampires then? Again Ryan Murphy interview says it's a biblical thing, but also something to do with stem cells? I don't he is weird.
What the hell is up with crazy seven type killer?
What will happen to girl 2?
What with the douche? Will he get a name?
Is the mattress thing and the Addiction demon the same??
Why are their knives in the hotel drawers??
Who brings candles on vacation?
What is the thing in room 33?
Things I liked:
The music. I loved all the background music. The clothes. The
hotel Art Deco design.
It being in LA and the subtle connections to murder house
Movies in the cemetery!
Denis O'Hare! I liked that he got to be glamorous and not gross.
Things I hated:
The Seven aspect. I loved the movie Seven. This was sort of a rip off version though. I like the psychological thriller aspect because supernatural stuff just isn't that scary to me, but I would prefer they come up with original stuff!
The lack of a plot. I know AHS is always about style over substance, but this was the poster child for that!
Pacing
Lack of Character Development
Overall:
I felt like I've seen this before. I don't know if they were
planned homages, but I've seen the spooky Shining hallway carpet. I've seen
vampires without fangs. Bauhaus was in The Hunger and played Bella Lugosi’s
Dead in that too! It just felt- well, used, much like the douche felt after his
evening with the creepy mattress dildo dude. I don't mind subtle homages. They are awesome, but they are awesome when they are subtle. As a sort of easter egg you have to pay attention to find. Not when you are bored because you feel like you are just watching a mash up of a bunch of old movies slightly redone.
This is Seven meets Rocky Horror meets the Shining with vampire
tendencies. I do hope next week is amped up. I hope next week has more substance.
Fun nerd note!
Murder house and Hotel Cortez (Hotel Cecil in reality) are about 5 miles apart. Yes I looked it up (so you don't have to). Your welcome.
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