Things I don't understand: maternity clothes

I swear, of all the maternity shirts I own all but one have horizontal stripes. Why? We are taught from birth that horizontal stripes are unflattering and make you look wide. So why do designers think it will look great on a pregnant body? I mean you're already uncomfortable, you've got that waddle, why draw attention to the girth? And you know what- sometimes the stripes don't fit just right and they look arched around the belly crating this bizarre optical illusion! Who lied to the designers and told them this was a fantastic idea? And for that matter, why are a lot of these shirts see through? I'm already hot because of harmones and extra weight, oh and TEXAS, why the hell would I was to wear a chemise? That's right, it's 110 outside with 90% humidity. Let's put on two shirts so I'm not indecent. Designers, you clearly have never been pregnant. Go home, you're drunk.

Wtf weds - rude!

What makes it ok for people to say to a pregnant woman, "you know what caused that, right?" I have heard that more times this pregnancy than ever. It pisses me off every time. Then to explain that this pregnancy was planned- not that it is any of their business, but now I feel obligated to explain. Regardless, is the situation of my womb your concern? Would you say that to any expectant mother? You don't know the circumstances behind the pregnancy, what if the woman was struggling with infertility? What if she had been the victim of rape?

And really wtf happened to a simple, "congratulations" ?

Wtf weds - dress code lunacy

Field trip to a water park. Should be easy right? Take a look at the dress code.

Girls can't show belly buttons. Really? Is this what we've come to? Boys are so animalistic that the mere sight of a hole, any hole, will drive them to distraction? It's just ridiculous. I can't even. Why can't they make everyone wear a tank top? But no, only girl belly buttons are offensive. Be careful, ladies! The slight glimpse of your belly button will cause you to drive men to distraction! Beware the hole! 

When good tv goes bad- still on Revenge

Well, Revenge ended last night, and I totally forgot all about it. My level of excitement was unparalleled, obviously. Any-I-forgot-and-don't-really-care-way, I read the recap and glad I was spared further effort. Truly, that was almost too much. Vickie and David are dead, Emily married Jack and they got a dog. The end. Lame lame lame lame.  I still don't understand how the writers turned such a great show into suck an epic fail. It was such a neat concept too! I binged season 1 and couldn't wait for season 2. I barely made it through 3, and hate watched 4 until I just couldn't even.  Canceling this mess was a complete mercy killing. Rest in peace, Revenge.

Wtf- Car Tales

I want to know why teenagers think it's ok to do gross things in their car. Do the think no one can see them? Are they like toddlers and think if they can't see you you can't see them? News flash! You spending your red light time popping a zit- gross by the way- I can see you. I can see you examine your face in the mirror and perform the Deborah Harry Hairspray routine. It's disgusting. And what will you do with it? You can't wash your face or hands! That's just gross. Not only that, you're like 5 minutes from school. You'll have the red funk face for at least half an hour.  So please, do your face a favor and take care of that in the morning at home. I recommend Clean and Clear morning burst. Follow it up with some Lumene vitamin C cream (you can find at CVS) Then if you're oily, I recommend tarte make up. You can find at sephoria or ulta. Request a sample first though- you don't want to find out you have a reaction to the make up. Good news though, Sephoria has an amazing return policy and the people there are wonderful.

TL;DR: don't pop zits in the car. Wash your face. Sephoria is awesome. 

Things I don't understand- Dolman Sleeves

Don't worry, there's pictures. So, I went shopping and tried this shirt on. Lo and behold it was a flying squirrel shirt! Most ridiculous thing ever. According to the Internet (must be true! bonjour!) it is supposed to make your shoulders look slumped in order to make your waits look smaller. Not so much.  It reminded me of that warm up suit Vector wore on Despicable Me. 

So here is a pic with arms down 

And ready for take off!

I don't see a minimized waist. 

*disclaimer- this is a mirror pic, so that mean 2 cameras. Since each camer adds 10 lbs, I'm really 20 lbs lighter. 

I'm going to lose it one day.

What am I going to lose one day? My southern filter. You know, that little voice inside your head (that Jamie doesn't have) that says things such as, "bless your heart" and "most unfortunate" when you really just want to say "f*ck off".  As you may have seen from previous posts I have a love hate relationship with facebook. I love to watch the drama and hate the stupid equally. So the filter I am talking about is pertaining to fb. One day I am just going to lose it and type everything I think. Heh!

The Inquisitor: this person asks randoms questions on fb. Ex: Does anybody knows where I can find this one thing? Does anybody know where this event is happening?  I'm sorry, did you mean to type this in Google?

The Vaguebooker: this person is always hurt about something someone did- but never gives the details. Ex- You know who you are and what you did and I'm so hurt! Yeah, unless you're going to dish I don't care. 

The Perfect Parent: this persons sole purpose on FB is to brag about their kids. That is their only posts. No one likes their kids that much. Seriously, NO ONE. 

Of course there are others, I just did my top three. One day I'm just going to post what I think and enjoy the fall out. Till then, I will just continue my love hate relationship with FB. It's like a bad boyfriend.

Animators on drugs- Kate and mim mim

I just want to say what the hell is this? So apparently this girl twirls around and sings a song with this stuffed rabbit and manages to teleport to another dimension? Works? Who the hell knows. Anyway- there are creatures there who have a collective IQ of 4. Somehow they solve the problem and return to the real world- and her parents never notice she is missing!  I just can't with this show. The purple bunny is disturbing and he sounds like he has rocks for brains. Well, technically I guess it's stuffing, but whatever. You know, some kids shows aren't bad (I'm talking about you Sophia the First!) but this one is just stupid. I can't even.

The Double Edged Sword of Promiscuity

Why is it that when girls sleep around they are called horrible names and looked down upon?  Why is it that boys who sleep with those same girls are applauded and given the high five? Look at any high school. The girl that gets lucky is labeled a whore, slut, fast, easy, or immortalized in a Prince song thinly disguised as a car. The boy that sleeps around is usually popular and cool. They can have almost triple the number of sexual partners, but the chick with the multiple partners is shamed. I figured there has to be some sort of formula for this:

Number of sex partners * positions (Instances of coitus + Oral)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------     =  Whore
                                   BOY

Three seems to be a magic number. For example, a woman with two kids; each with a different father. Fine, right? Three kids, three different dads and now she's whore status.  Something about that third kid pushes it over the edge into slut territory.  Now what if it was over a span of 15 years? 3 partners in 15 years? That's relativlwy mild by anyone's standards.  On this blog I used to read before their layout became intolerable (side eye to you, Enty) some commenters called Kate Winslet a whore because she has three children with three fathers. You know who they didn't call a whore? Kevin Costner.  He has SEVEN kids with three baby mamas.

Perhaps instead of "Slut Shaming" we should educate our young people about the dangers of unprotected sex and then leave them in a room with teething toddlers for two hours. When they leave the room there will be a bowl full of condoms.  Teenage pregnancy problem solved, you're all welcome. Slut shaming is never the answer, education is.  And really, who says you have to buy the dress? You can always try it on... What if you hate it? Or worse, what if it's too small? What if it's just a bad dress?

FB TMI

You know what a growing trend is these days? Too much information on Facebook. It seems that my feed is constantly bombarded with personal bits from randoms. Do you know all your friends? See them on a daily basis? No? Then why are you sharing this? Some one was telling us how much someone was dilated. I'm sorry, I have no interest in the status of random woman's vagina. Would a group text to your closest serve you much better? I know it would me. Oh oh! And I hate vague booking.  "You know who you are and what you did and I'm mad and want attention!" Yeah, you know the type. For once I just want people to talk smack. I mean you may as well name names if all 400 of your friends are gonna know. But noooo that part is private. You're just being a gossip tease and I hate you. If you can't say anything nice come sit by me.

This bothers me- should it?

Children's toys- why is it that little girls get toy vacuum cleaners, mops, brooms, kitchens, and laundry rooms? They're all pink and cute! Chores are fun! Boys get grills, chain saws, tools and general implements of mass destruction all boyish and what not. Why don't they make vacuums that cater to boys? Are they afraid they will turn into self sufficent men? And girls- are they afraid they will be able to fend for themselves? It just seems to me that it is past time for traditional gender roles to be over. They're soooo passé. I really don't think that playing with a vacuum sounds like fun. It sounds like chores. And if they were really smart they'd make an actual working mini vacumm. If they wanna "play" might as well get some work done too! My vacuum isn't pink. It's red and black. Maybe they should make sparkly pink vacuums for adults or some MANLY vacuums with huge motors and tricked out wheels. Then maybe it wouldn't be regulated to "woman's work".

Babies are disgusting creatures.

Yeah, yeah, I'm sure I'll hear it. Seriously though- aren't they? Sure, some babies are adorable (some are hideous, but were not supposed to talk about that... bless their hearts) but when you get down to it, they are bundles of grossness wrapped up in a blanket.  There is fluid everywhere! If it's not coming out of their faces then it is coming out of their backsides. Awww, they are so cute when they sleep... yeah and they sweat too.... yay more liquid.  They can't tell you anything, so you are stuck trying to interpret their tiny dance of fist waving and foot pumping while even more liquid drips from random places. I don't really understand the appeal...



Before you judge, I have 3 boys and yes, I did give both to all of them. They're even grosser when they get older. Boys are just gross. They smell. Try having a sleep over with a housefull of boys. Suddenly the house smells like feet! There's dirt everywhere- I don't know how or where it came from, but there it is- mud.  Boys. They're everywhere, and they're disgusting.

Crack Head Happy

So, Shelly has asked me to contribute to this blog. I think this is a lapse of judgement on her part, since I am guaranteed to offend everyone, but it's too late now. :D

So, while at the laundromat (which I am at because of girl scout cookies and rain...take that for what you will), I over hear these women talking about kids, presumably theirs, when I hear one say, 

"Oh I don't really care what he wants to be when he is an adult, I just want him to be happy. That is all that really matters." 

I have heard this sentiment before, but what popped in my head was - What if being a crack head makes him most happy. What if that's the thing that brings him all the joy? Or worse like being a creepy stalker or murder or a member of the Westboro Baptist Church? 

I admit that I was suffering from heat stroke, because it was like 75 degrees and I was melting, but I don't think parents are honest at all when they say they want happiness for their kids, it's a top tier lie, up there with "I don't have a favorite" and "I don't care what gender as long as they're healthy." 

I prefer honesty...I wanted all boys and I had 2 and decided to have one more. Gambling isn't my thing because the last one was a girl, who is now my favorite so the "I like you best" balances out the "I really wish you had been a boy!" 

As for "just being happy?" 

No. 

Sure I hope they have happiness in their lives, but I also want them to be educated and employed. I guess what I took a long blog post to say is I'd like my kids to be a lot of things and happy is one of them, just not crack head happy. 😁

Anyone who doesn't have a favorite is lying.

Do you have a favorite child?  What? I'm a horrible person for asking such a thing? Yeah, I don't care.  My middle son (yes I have 3, yes they are all boys- joy) asked me the other day who my favorite was.  It went something like this:

Son: Mom, I need to ask you something very important.
Me: What?
Son: Mom, I just really want to know, can you please answer me honestly?
Me: Get on with it..
Son: Who is your favorite?
Me: Snort and laughter
Son: Please mom, tell me.  Between me and S. (older brother) who do you like best?
Me: Well... I don't like either of you equally.
Son: Waaa?
Me: You see, the littlest is always the favorite. That's the way it works.  And if for some ungodly reason I have another, E will be shoved to the side like y'all are and the new baby will be the favorite.
Son: I'm ok with that as long as it's not S.
Me: Well that's a relief.

The baby is always the favorite. I feel sorry for the other kids, who for a brilliant shining moment were the favorites until siblings came along- only to be shoved to the side while the new baby rolls over and other miraculous wonders.  Don't worry children! You will all redeem yourselves as adults!