Things I don't understand: maternity clothes

I swear, of all the maternity shirts I own all but one have horizontal stripes. Why? We are taught from birth that horizontal stripes are unflattering and make you look wide. So why do designers think it will look great on a pregnant body? I mean you're already uncomfortable, you've got that waddle, why draw attention to the girth? And you know what- sometimes the stripes don't fit just right and they look arched around the belly crating this bizarre optical illusion! Who lied to the designers and told them this was a fantastic idea? And for that matter, why are a lot of these shirts see through? I'm already hot because of harmones and extra weight, oh and TEXAS, why the hell would I was to wear a chemise? That's right, it's 110 outside with 90% humidity. Let's put on two shirts so I'm not indecent. Designers, you clearly have never been pregnant. Go home, you're drunk.

Tbt- I'm not very nice pregnant.

I'm not very nice as a pregnant person. Some of the stories are well, down right embarrassing. So, I'll share one of them here!!

Once Upon a Time, in a land country as hell (aka Orangefield, Texas) I was riding in the car with my friend Christine. She was driving and we were going to the gas station. I was about 6 months pregnant with Dade. This lady cut us off. I did what and normal irritable pregnant person would do and rolled down my window (it was a crank! Memories!) and hung my head and every thing out of the window, and yelled, "HEY! HEY!" The girl turned to look, Christine was dying in the drivers seat, pulling on the back of my maternity top. I then screamed out, "C*NT LICKER!" Complete with the obscene mouth gesture and everything. I, now vidicated, sat back down in the seat. Christine punched it and hauled it out of there. 

Moral of the story: you can't take me anywhere. 

Wtf weds - rude!

What makes it ok for people to say to a pregnant woman, "you know what caused that, right?" I have heard that more times this pregnancy than ever. It pisses me off every time. Then to explain that this pregnancy was planned- not that it is any of their business, but now I feel obligated to explain. Regardless, is the situation of my womb your concern? Would you say that to any expectant mother? You don't know the circumstances behind the pregnancy, what if the woman was struggling with infertility? What if she had been the victim of rape?

And really wtf happened to a simple, "congratulations" ?

I told you I was mean

How I love that song by Ellle King. However, that's not the subject matter of today's post. Today, I am taking great satisfaction in messing with people. Apparently, your body has a muscle memory. Instead of remembering my former high school glory and abs; my body would rather remember the last time I was pregnant. Needless to say, the bump is here. There is no hiding it. So, when people ask me if I'm expecting I look up in horror and whisper, "why, do I look fat?!?" It's been great fun. I let them squirm and stammer for a minute before I tell them I'm joking. I've always wanted to do this! Mwa ha ha ha! I told you I was mean. Now, for my next victim.

2 be two or not 2 be that is the question.

In my family, on my mother's side there are twins. They're are 8 sets confirmed, and 1 rumored. Our beloved grandmother, Maman Arnaud had 3 sets, my mother being on of the twins. Out of each twin set that lived, one of those had a set of twins, and one of those had a set of twins. Another cousin had a set, and  allegedly a cousin ate her twin in the womb, but that has yet to be confirmed. Anyway, when any one of the cousins, particularly of my generation are expecting, we all secretly watch Facebook to see if the twin magic will land on them. I am happy to report that the twin magic did not land on me, and I only have 1 bun. Whew! Dodged that one! Singleton power!

Now, can I hope for a girl?

Fashion Fridays!

New feature- well maybe. We'll see how it goes. Anyway, in case you hadn't already seen my billion post on being pregnant, today's fashion tip is on how to hide a pregnancy you're not ready to reveal yet. Readers, you don't count because you are all close family and already know. Besides, there's like what, 4 of you? 

So, how do you hide a pregnancy for a bit? Well, you can try this obvious, which is baggy clothes. I don't recommend this method because it looks trashy. You can also try wearing your regular clothes with a belly band. A belly band looks like a tube top for your belly. You can wear your regular pants unzipped with this. This is not recommended because you look overweight.  What I found that works is the trifecta: maternity clothes, oversized purse, sweater. That's right, maternity clothes. Why? Because they're loose where they need to be at this time, and no one will notice. Plus you'll be hella comfy.  The oversized bag? Well, one, you have the excuse to shop for a new bag, and two, if you have a big bag no one will notice what you're hiding underneath. The same can be said for a sweater. Toss it on and viola! You're covered up by its bulk. Cardigans also work. It's not so much as disguising the burgeoning bump as it is distracting from it and diverting focus elsewhere. For example, the chunkier the earrings the less likely people are going to look down. They'll be distracted by accessories! 

Now go out and look fabulous! 

Toddler tues!

So, the hubs told the 4 year old we were pregnant. It went something like this:

TH- Eric, you're going to be a big brother! Mama's going to have a baby!

E- Whyyyyyy?

I sense jealousy in the future. 

Later I'll post my review of my new stroller!

3 kids at 30- 4 at 40.

Yes, that's right. I peed on a stick and bam. The hubs, over the moon. Me- I am not a fan of pregnancy. Your body is not your own. You become a motherhood vessel- and by vessel I mean ocean liner. My body is all like- hey she just realized she pregnant, at ease! And all belly and boobs exploded from nowhere. I'm 6 weeks and look like I'm 6 months. It's ludicrous. And so here we go! I can now blog about the joys of motherhood at 38. Well, I'll be 39 by the time this rolls around.  I've got the maternity clothes washing as I type.